Fairbanks attorney adds name to crowded gubernatorial race 

By APRIL F. OOLS

April 1, 2026 – Fairbanks Attorney Bill Satterburg has filed as a gubernatorial candidate, joining 18 others in the much-contested race. The attorney who has practiced law in Alaska for almost five decades told reporters outside his lavish Fairbanks 4th Avenue office that he wasn’t getting any younger and that his frugal upbringing and conservative mindset could help the state out of its dire fiscal situation.

On his website, the attorney listed his “Top Ten” ideas for Alaska to generate income and save critical dollars.

“We need to do more with less … like my wife has done since our first date,” Satterberg said, smirking in front of reporters and anticipating laughter that never arrived, as so often happens in the courtroom.

Satterberg cited cost overruns on maintenance, Medicaid expansion growth, and a simple lack of frugality by all State departments. He used as an example his “John Deere green” office buildings that were (ironically) once houses of prostitution in the 1940s, known as “the line.”

“For example,” the attorney explained, “I painted my office and both my political signs with paint that had that I found in the dumpster over by the Rental Zone, a local John Deere dealer. This is what I am talking about,” Satterberg told both members of the press in attendance.

In a recent Letter to the Editor, Satterberg suggested the State use the Permanent Fund savings to buy Greenland, and had even suggested Fairbanks use the Polaris building for the new animal shelter before the 10-story, asbestos-riddled eyesore was demolished.

“We could have saved millions right there,” referring to the 10 million destruction cost and $33 million cost of the new controversial pet palace. When asked about the safety of borough employees under his plan, Satterberg reminded reporters that Alaska still has over 16,000 covid masks in storage.

“We have to think outside the box,” Satterberg told the lone remaining reporter after the West Valley freshman broadcast journalism student excused himself earlier. The attorney has confidence he can come out on top in this election based on his recent business milestones. “In the past year alone, I’ve won long-shot cases for clients that ranged from ‘alleged’ peeping toms, arsonists, serial killers, drug dealers, and 3-time repeat bestiality offenders. So there are many Alaskans who will tell you I’ve got what it takes to win.”

When confronted by the reporter about his political message, Satterberg vehemently denied using former US Sen. Ted Stevens campaign slogan, “To hell with politics, just do what’s right for Alaska,” by using the word “let’s” rather than “just.”

Satterberg seemed offended by the reporters accusation, further responding to him directly.

“I knew Ted Stevens. Ted Stevens was a friend of mine. I sir, am no Ted Stevens.”

Satterberg, who turns 75 today wrapped up the press conference by saying”

“We need a governor with bold new ideas. It’s not about how tall or how attractive the candidate is. I may not be the best looking candidate who ever ran for governor, but neither was Frank Murkowski.”

If people want to see all the spoof April 1st articles on Satterberg that Craig Compeau has done over the years, or watch his stand up acts and practical jokes, there is soon to be a website they can visit: www.LaughYouLongTime.com