By BILL SATTERBERG
Recently, we have heard ambitious proposals for the United States to either buy or conquer Greenland. I oppose either plan. But, my reasons are different.
Alaska is the largest state in the Union. Over twice the size of Texas with abundant natural resources and a huge Permanent Fund.
Precedent exists. Alaska was purchased from the Russians. Louisiana from the French and Texas from Mexico. True, the United States has acquired some lands by conquest, but not ordinarily as a rule.
Why do I oppose the United States annexing Greenland? It is because Alaska, not the United States, should acquire Greenland. Alaska should pay each person in Greenland an amount of money out of our coveted, sacred Permanent Fund to make Greenland part of Alaska. And it wouldn’t be the first time that a state has been geographically split apart. Take Michigan, for example, which has the Great Lakes dividing it into two portions. Alaska once had several time zones due to its girth. Furthermore, size doesn’t matter.
Alaska has the money. We just need the incentive. Alaska and Greenland have much in common. Both have a prolific indigenous population, abundant natural resources, and share a border with Canada. True, Greenland apparently lacks Alaska’s vast timber resources, but we can live with that.
 Think seriously about it. Alaska purchases Greenland with the United States to granting Greenland residents United States citizenship. It would be one of the best investments the Permanent Fund has ever made. It might reduce our PFD to a certain degree, but that is happening already by legislative bickering. Moreover, we should be able to rapidly recoup the loss by selling Greenland’s minerals. View it as a long term investment.
The most important reason why Alaska should buy Greenland is because Alaska is currently America’s largest state. But, if Greenland becomes a separate state, Alaska will immediately become the second largest state and we will no longer have bragging rights over those cocky Texans.
Bill Satterberg is a Fairbanks attorney and member of the Laundry House Gang coffee group.
One thought on “Bill Satterberg: Why can’t Alaska buy Greenland?”
Because, Bill:
(a) Alaska’s government officials seem too corrupt, depraved, debauched, incompetent, indifferent to the rule of law, and accountable to no one except their sponsors to govern Alaska’s people properly, much less people of another country about which they’re too ignorant and indifferent to care,
(b) thanks in large part to your colleagues, Alaska’s government officials proved themselves too indifferent to the civil rights of Alaska’s indigenous people to be allowed anywhere near the lives of Greenlandic Inuit.
(c) thanks in large part to your colleagues, Alaska’s people have no recourse because their election and grand-jury systems are both FUBAR’d,
(d) the likelihood of Alaska’s rulers allowing Greenlanders to reform Alaska’s failed education industry is, at best, remote.
(e) the likelihood of Greenlanders meekly allowing a gaggle of lawyers to “buy” them and rule them with the same corruption and incompetence that typifies Alaska’s government also seems (thankfully) remote.
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For starters…